|Thursday, December 19th, 2013|
2:51 pm - Maniacal Laughter and Listening to Wagner
I realize those two go together, but in this instance they're sort of apart from one-another. You know, like just like how two symptoms may be part of the same pathology even if they are from two different sources in a given person.|
I am twitchy and loud, scratching my head and laughing in occasional bouts so that I'm happy not to be in an apartment.
It's all apart of the classwork process.
There's a lot of talking to myself and shouting of odd things when I write a paper.
This is just some homework. Focus does not come easy. The coffee probably didn't help.
Seriously though, I should see if my A&P book explains the laughter and sighs just from thinking of you, Madame.
The Wagner is because you like Wagner so much. I otherwise like classical, but outside of Stravinsky and some more obvious Mozart pieces, I'm pretty open to just about anything, just listening without any regard of who the piece is by and what their life was like.
I dreamt of high school. It was of my years in choir. It was really the main thing about high school that I gave a shit about.
How eloquent I must be.
And yet I wish to spill out with honestly and naturally-occurring romanticism that I keep locked in my throat.
Jeesh, I can barely look at you for fear of revealing too much.
Sunday. Yes. I shall come clean on Sunday. Maybe.
I will find some moment to be alone with you and admit all that is flying about in this frayed mind of mine.
I need a happy book already. My nerves are acting weird lately. This break from school is a godsend.
Please my dear, show me to a book that won't make the nerves worse. My pessimistic and scientific books are not what I need right now.
current mood: frazzled
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12:08 am - Me and bad GPS.
Ah, I had hoped to visit her earlier but I found myself a little lost on the way. I mean, I've gone in that general direction when jogging but... I just get lost too easy.|
The cold had gotten into my brain by then, but that did little to change my usual demeanor.
We watched Man of La Mancha and such was fun.
I'm getting sleepy, that's all.
Either way, the eagerness with which I want to see her. I look forward to that once/twice a week running engagement like a drug addict*.
I think I should just sleep.
I'm happy either way.
But now I must sleep.
I've one more test to go.
1. I'm sure that simile has been done before, but I'm not here to be artistic.
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|Wednesday, December 18th, 2013|
12:04 am - Many thoughts at once...
I typed something rather honest and eloquent on here but its truth was a little too unsettling. To sum it up, I was contemplating nuances of unsettling or outright terrifying horror. While I am really quite in the right head, I feel I'd like to go in so many ways as long as it isn't in the throes of dementia.|
I try to be an optimist at times. It's the reason I fell out of watching Criminal Minds. It's an excellent show, but it's incredibly dark. I can understand why one of the actors quit the show after a few seasons. He was a great character, but all that gruesome subject-matter was a bit too much for him.
The original layout was working backwards. It seemed appropriate in every sense. This element has more or less been broken, I'm sure.
In any case, that homework isn't due till Thursday. Ugh. All that lost sleep. (A lack of self control and a love of acquiring knowledge can result in me reading on horror at about this time. Thank goodness for my dream catcher.)
Anyway, on a more cheerful note, I will be seeing her again tomorrow. She wants me to read and watch so much. She recommended some horror at one point that I might appreciate.
I think I'll pass on any offers of that sort for now.
That probably means that some of those Czech faery tales are out of the question. And quite recently she acquired Amnesia: the Dark Descent. Not from me, mind ya. Don't lose your mind, sweet creature. You are a precious being.
I joke, of course. When it comes to horror I'm just a total softie.
current mood: tired, spooked, tired, and a little more spooked...
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|Tuesday, December 17th, 2013|
3:40 am - Step 3: Find More Coffee
I gazed at the calendar to gain a true appreciation for how long I've to finish up my Christmas shopping, as I'd prefer to give school a bit more attention. I noticed the date and could recall my buddy in class saying, "you know he moved the homework date to the 17th, right?".|
I stood there for a moment for just a moment to appreciate the "oh shit" moment. Now, I had made small progress to be sure, but was assuming based on faulty memory that such was due the 19th.
Whatev's! It's about done at this point, as there wasn't much homework to speak up.
I watched Pacific Rim rather than go jogging. It was nice to sit next to her and hear her giggle from time to time. I was expressing how I thought the Lovecraftian sea monsters were cute and just needed a belly-rub. The robots were nonetheless effective at killing extra-dimensional sea monsters, so it's really like the American power grid. It works...just not that well compared to something a little less faulty.
I hope to ask her out sometime this week, but that is very well unlikely. I'm busy and would like perhaps to not have other friends nearby. If erring, it's erring towards a consideration of manners. It's very likely she knows already. I'm a rather dull creature, in truth. Her strong sense of compassion for the well-being of others shows at rather minor instances. I consider myself a bit considerate of the plight of others, but perhaps not as quick to react?
She spoke some foreign language today, speaking animatedly on the matters of Opera--its stars, history, composers and so on. She could critique the albums I bought her without even playing them. All in all, it was a good choice of gift.
I'm a little terrified of my optimism. I mean, I can't help but think she realizes my inclination towards her and doesn't entirely mind.
current mood: unfocused
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|Monday, December 9th, 2013|
10:43 pm - Ready to sleep.
While I've still things to do today, I'm not so sure how capable I am this late into the day. I suppose I can give it a shot at my Biology homework. I can't say I was without some degree of drive today, but a contrasting urge was knocking me out. I was exhausted.|
I've been exhausted for some time now. The energy has died, but my stability is restored; just in time for finals.
It's astounding how my confidence in a class can be both reassured and haunted. We really didn't have all that much in terms of material to work on--tests, papers, homework. As is expected, I've forgotten much of my homework over the course of the semester, and I've one more assignment to do this week. My grades are normally my buffers, but my grades have been average: B's and the like. Neither of the teachers really keep up with giving us a hint as to what we have.
My Biology teacher has gone AWOL or something. One class even has a take-home test now.
Ah, you sweet intellectual muse. I called up my friend to here is cheerful voice greet me. I lied that I was okay and as might be expected when inquired with a "what's up" I found my mouth opening up but nothing coming. I merely said, "I have to stay away from you for a while". Upon hanging up I tore the hat from my head, crumpled it and threw it at the steel walls of the garage where it made a surprisingly loud noise.
A note on this hat:
The hat was a gift. I was less than crazy on receiving any sort of gift. I merely despised the way my mom goes on vacation and leaves me to watch the house, whether I've got an upcoming final, three days in a row of 12 hour shifts or anything else of that manner.
I thought nothing of this fedora as a result. My mom is not wise on money. I'd rather she funnel that money spent on gifts towards bills instead.
Regardless, given the cold I found this hat to be a blessing. It fit better than any fedora I've ever had. Of dark brown, and made of a combination of cotton and polyester, I found that I could stuff it away in a pocket if need be.
Over the course of a week or two I found this a way to vent my stresses. It would be thrown, kicked, stomped on...
It always came back to its original shape, however wrinkled and creased it might be.
It serves me well.
We now return to your regularly scheduled program.
After a short bit of deliberation I typed out an email expressing the full detail of the why and how and what and is that a rabbit over there?
Sorry, I'm getting sleepy.
He responded saying that he was not dating my muse. They were merely friends.
A weight was lifted.
I called her today, as the Finnish cookbook was coincidentally checked out. My rate of speech was quick, with backtracks and sheepish chuckles... all to ask for a dough recipe. It was wonderful to hear her voice.
I also watched the Aleksis Kivi* opera. It was some trippy stuff.
1. Do I underline it or... what's proper when writing titles of Operas?
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|Friday, December 6th, 2013|
2:16 pm - I'm sane--at least by my standards:
But oh, now isn't that what all of us might say?|
A friend of mine called up; the woman that I once called Mistress. She is a person of great insight and advice, with--strangely enough--the traits of a motivational speaker. I suppose that isn't too strange, as the personality types share their common traits...
The point is, it was nice to finally talk to someone without holding back about the shit that has had my mind in quite the funk. In record time I summed up the course of weeks and finally let out a sigh of relief--there's only so much that writing can relieve, even if it is with a friends hundreds of miles away via texting.
It was her advice that I inquire on the actual relationship status of the two*. This may be hari kari towards a social circle but for all I know they're not together. Oh, how she will still weigh on my mind, but there will be one less question bogging it down and stressing my senses.
Eventually I will find out, and regardless of the outcome, it's the best and healthiest option.
1. "Und". It's such a powerful word.+
1. There was a point raised in the Tristan und Isolde opera the bibliophile lent me, of how the word "and" is as powerful and entwining as it is.++
1. Welp, now I'm pessimistic.
current mood: unusual
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|Thursday, December 5th, 2013|
1:36 pm - Reinstallation coming soon...
My mind was frazzled yesterday, no doubt. Finals don't help, and I've come to notice I consistently have love pangs around this time of year. I do not no why, but it's like a pattern or something.|
Naturally, some melancholy and distraction followed me throughout the morning. Hell, I think my math teacher even noticed it.
I probably have an expression when I zone out.
Class is going well, and I hope to get some studying in today. I want to do a few things--even mumble away on the harmonica. I am at least remembering I bought one, so there's that.
No doubt that source of my monomania rightfully deserves her spot there. I don't fall for unexceptional people.
I probably need to get out more.
And watch some television.
Seriously--movies are not my thing, and I've started to realize my self-imposed distance from cinema has stunted my educational growth.
I can only turn to my books so much.
Among the things I'm reading is an autobiographical piece by a woman with Porphyria. It's safe to say the tales of her abusive husband could never compare with all those lifetime movies combined.
Seriously--this book is depressing. It's not that it's a bad book, but it's another one of those things that gives me reason to despise the human race.
Of course some people give me hope. The time I spent on the bus yesterday gave me those mixed impressions.
I mostly kept to biking, but took the bus from my mom's over to go jogging.
So on top of the swimming the day before that, I biked sixteen to twenty miles only to top it off with three miles or so of jogging.
I was exhausted and full of a certain amount of self-loathing. I wondered how much time was acceptable in a day to have a little pity-party. No doubt everyone is entitled to some amount or another.
In my distracted state my decision to download a textbook pdf was probably not the best idea. Whatever strain of action I took, I downloaded some file on an ad and totally missed the pdf, which was removed anyway.
I've got quite a bit to fix now. I can type.
Hell, perhaps I'll google stuff and make myself look weird to whatever dirty black-market advertisers there are out there. ;)
I probably already look a little off, given the entomology stuff.
The melancholy is still there, but it's more of a quiet acceptance right now.
I need to do something. I've wasted too much just fleeing to novels and scientific texts. I have my fair share of ideas I'd love to test out, but I'm not a biochemist.
Still, I think I might be able to accomplish a bit with a mediocre microscope and some aquaponics. Now that I think of it, that wouldn't have been a horrible thing to put on my Christmas list.
Really, I find Christmas a little silly all around. If I were not gifted a thing I can't say I'd complain much. I've got everything I need and just about everything I'd ever want.
It led to a tangent of thought today that made me wonder at the possibility of joining Red Cross or the National Guard.
I'm very anti-military, but the Red Cross thing seems nice.
My life is quite wonderful, whereas other people can't even depend on a daily meal or the thought that they won't be brutally murdered at any given point.
I have it too nice and here I worry about some stupid shit like my feelings.
I'm not too sure where to go from this train of thought.
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|Wednesday, December 4th, 2013|
8:06 pm - I just have to grow used to it:
I must shake this infatuation. It is no longer questionable; it is definite.
I feel quite okay with the numerous things "wrong" about me. They become all too palpable in the presence of such people.
Part of me wants to lay down and sigh, part of me wants to go jogging, part of me wants to punch things.
I might fit in jogging today.
Clearly the biking today didn't wipe me out enough.
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|Tuesday, December 3rd, 2013|
2:15 pm - Some sort of chemical imbalance.
I'm going swimming soon, but I've words I need to release.|
Oh, why I love to shout and scream and laugh and gesticulate while I'm alone is quite the mystery.
I have my days where I want to dig and hole and hide in it. It's not that I'm scared or sad, (though sometimes I am,) but that I find the the world of people the the antithesis of my happiness. Loneliness brings joy and quiet on a rainy day such as this ameliorates my humors.
Maybe I'm not twisted. When I self-label it's to bring me some level of comfort and a good excuse for whatever mood I may be in. I know people love taking silly little quizzes online just to scream with joy that they have sickle cell anemia. It helps them to belong to a group.
And while there are groups I fit into I want nothing to do with them.
Why is that?
I find the S&M community either snobbish and unoriginal, archaic in their values or just flat-out insane.
I don't feel I belong in these categories.
I also love fedoras and I forget to shave for weeks on end. I'm not trying to be a hipster--I just seem to be one by default.
No doubt she has influenced my current state. Yesterday I was feeling shitty.
Today I feel like I've more power than I can control.
Heh--giving me more formal introductions to Goethe and Wagner is certainly increasing my imbalance.
I can't see us growing old together but I can see myself kissing her and pledging to her and resting my head on her shoulder as she talks away on these odd little cross-referencing tangents.
Perhaps it's not that I can't see us marrying, but that infatuation has blocked off everything.
Well, I've got to swim sometime.
See you readers later.
current mood: manic
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|Monday, December 2nd, 2013|
10:41 pm - Stressed
It's since faded away since Amelia (one of my cats) seems to be doing fine now. Earlier in the day though, he was sleeping in the litter box. Given that was one of Skitty's symptoms last year, and he nearly died from it, you can imagine how panicky I was. My mom of course thinks it's no big deal since it doesn't seem to have gotten worse. I guess people say the same thing if they develop growths, eh?|
You still aren't leaving my head. I try and read my anatomy and physiology homework and I keep thinking about you*. Of course, I'm Schrodinger's schmuck. This doesn't keep me from feeling any less eccentric about you. I opted to leave a a sentence out on the matter. I'm not normal; I'm deranged.
But kind, and justifiably obsessed. I just need more distractions.
Therefor I've checked out EVEN MORE BOOKS.
I need more books. I need to lose myself in them.
There's just a few more weeks of school till I can collapse. I really don't know how a couple of grades are going to look just yet, as I tend to forget homework assignments completely and the paperwork-spectrum has been rather sparse for two of my classes. I just want that tech degree already.
I'm a tad bit crazy, yes?
1. That's not some vulgar innuendo; I find K+ Na- Pathways particularly droll.
current mood: tired
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|Friday, November 29th, 2013|
10:35 pm - So much can be solved by jogging...
My arms and legs are sore and I could sleep rather easily now.|
It only takes some 9 miles in the winter to pull that off. I'm tired.
Tomorrow I swim.
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|Wednesday, November 27th, 2013|
11:56 pm - A few words before my phase out of the waking realm entirely
I am sore. This is good, as I was at a place that had trampolines everywhere.|
Yes. A trampoline gym.
I was quite productive in terms of getting reading in as well, so I've few regrets to how this nonetheless exhausting day went.
Don't get me wrong; it didn't start off the best day ever. It wasn't absolutely shitty, but there's times where I'd prefer shittiness over a general loss of all vitae. Some coffee and some Jimmy Dean's--which was better than nothing--that I got at school on one of our breaks got me back in the rhythm. I still felt artificially preserved, on some teetering pole, so close to the waters of nausea and the mental fogs, but eventually that gave way as I went about reading quite a bit.
Protozoans and Disease, Eastern Thought and my classwork.
Near the end of the night I found the runner full of new and interesting things. Given how she's the only one I can talk to about the Kalevala*. Her Finnish blood was to account for this. She has three kanteles*, and can play them too! I strummed at one of them with obvious amusement.
All in all, I'm on a roll of sorts. My brain is in one of its better states.
1. Finding someone who knows what that epic is is one thing; finding someone who has read it is another; finding someone who knows it better than me is equal with the former.
2. A Finnish harp. The number of strings can vary as much from 5 to 19.
current mood: exhausted
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|Thursday, November 21st, 2013|
10:21 pm - Something.
My computer has been utter shit with the internet connection lately. It clonks out far too easily. I am not sure if it's the fact that I have wifi or if there's something wrong with my computer. If it's the latter, I can wait until a bit later and re-install Windows. |
I find such to be a rather relaxing and far easier process when compared to actually finding out what is wrong.
If something is still wrong I guess it's that shoddy cisco stuff.
I need to be sentient. The female runner is far beyond me. It's like trying to relate to a Lovecraftian deity.
Then again, so is my other friend. I mean, I can't tell if they're dating or not, because in all honesty I find him to be one of the most generous and charismatic people I know.
I thought about how many jobs that fella holds and the numerous projects he does. I don't have his energy--true. I am energetic but the energies wear out fast and they rarely focus on any one thing.
Jogging sometimes feels like the only thing I can do right. Of course, I've got quite the reputation among non-runners as a result.
Her powerful mind, his energies. They really are good for each other, as far as I can tell.
I am not obsessed with her, necessarily. On the contrary, my eyes wander a bit longer than usual lately. This eventually led to the thought of expanding my mental capabilities.
When my thoughts aren't yoked by that cold flame I find myself a little bit normal, but also a little more unnerved by how stable and average I seem to be.
Tomorrow I read a lot more, as these tests are done. I have a math test on Tuesday, so I study for that.
And wastewater treatment.
I can't be him or her but I can become my own twist on whatever greatness others may exude.
I may still be worthless and my self-awareness on a level with a sea squirt till the day I day, but I will dream an impossible dream.
I don't strive to be an Ubermensch.
I strive to be something I can not yet realize exists.
current mood: awake
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|Wednesday, November 20th, 2013|
9:26 pm - Hehe, safety-conciousness.
I really should run more on my own, given these two and their limits combined with a lack of suicidal tendencies (such as running through a wet forest at night). |
I mean, that's what we did. Even so, I'm apparently a bit more suicidal.
My emotions have more bearing on reality, fortunately. The crush has since faded.
I really am quite unattached. This is probably for the best.
Let's see how long it takes for me to be a love-sick mess again. Hahahahaha!
Until then, I've got to get back to anatomy.
Much more has gone on. There is a student at my school who is nothing short of a bard, and that has its stories attached.
current mood: tired
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12:08 am - Welp, got two more tests to go this week.
As such, I need a moment to procrastinate for a few more minutes.|
My math test could have been better, but it had more to do with me leaving my calculator at home than it did understanding the test. I tried long division but I was just tired and the neural matter just wasn't working at the time.
I'm trying to stave off on the coffee for a bit. I haven't been drinking it as much. (I'd go without it this week if I didn't feel I needed the edge in class.) I did not regret having the first cup of the entire day around 5:30 today.
Coffee isn't bad, but day-old coffee seems to be a bit harsher on my system. The brain works well enough, but I'm pretty sure I've decimated many of the bacteria that call my body home.
It was a gradual thing; this is just the first sign of any symptoms.
Friday was spent semi-productively. I could have done more, but I wasn't hard on myself as it was the last day of the cold.
Seriously. A three-day sickness.
Saturday was still a tough day, given how it was so dreary even I was getting a headache. I normally find that gray, rainy days are inspiring, but in this one instance too much of a good thing sucks.
Again--not hard on myself. I just wish I buckled down as much as I do on shitty days as I do on good ones.
Even so, Saturday was improved with Filk* Night. There were such beautiful voices there and the songs were unfamiliar to me.
Perhaps it sounds weird, but when I listen to new music or read a strange new book I have meaning in my life. I'm pretty unremarkable as far as I'm concerned, but I feel as though there is greatness inherent in many of us whenever a new little folk tune is sung. I want to do such much on such occasions. I do not feel lazy--rather, I want to learn everything and study everything and attempt to accomplish everything.
This crush I have is odd. In all honesty, I don't see us growing old together. My brain often jumps to that thought rather quickly. Even so, she is quite a remarkable person as far as I'm concerned. You can be superficial based on someone's character. Just like a pair of pretty eyes or a beautiful ass can mesmerize so many men, I feel strong character is no less effective. Knowledge is beautiful.
Her bookshelves take up quite a bit of space. She has a bent towards Tolkien, so I'm really at a loss in that department. I like Tolkien, but I haven't really tackled him. I'm currently reading a novella she lent out to me.
She plans on culturing me with every book in her collection. I can tell.
But isn't that really what all bibliophiles do? I was happy to see that The King in Yellow gave her enough pleasure to keep her mind off of all the droll stuff she is reading for school.
You start reading Joseph Campbell and Tolkien and soon everything follows a pattern.
I haven't really tackled much on Campbell and his hero-archetypes, but I have always wanted to read his stuff extensively.
In short, I think crushing over her is healthy at the moment as she's the only mental force that drives me some days.
Even so, "Treatment of Metal Wastestreams" is no pleasure to read.
If I need to be proud of myself to feel like anything of worth around a person so great then I guess I just gotta farm up that knowledge and maybe buy that fencing equipment already...
1. Folk-style music, generally oriented towards nerdy pursuits and interests.
current mood: lost
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|Friday, November 15th, 2013|
3:00 pm - Oreos and coffee it is...
In anatomy and physiology you get told a lot how everything is going to kill you. Normally I don't care, but when there's actually explanations as to WHY and HOW it will kill you, it can be a little disturbing.|
Even so, with a father that wants to jump on every health food bandwagon.
As someone who has once eaten enough pasta to get a sugar crash the following day, I realize there's a certain level of balance necessary.
I also realize how unreasonable it is to give up physical activity. I don't jog like I used to, and I feel my entire body fighting against itself. This leaves me with two major chains of thought that are really quite related and may not comply with the little number system I leave below:
I got hit with a really bad cold recently. We finally started getting cold weather here in Wisconsin. Normally it would be chilly by now, but the weather was nice up until four days ago. Today is back to the sunny, warm 50 degree weather we've had for most of this month. Either way, it got frosty on Monday and on Wednesday I realized I was coming down with something. I tend to have a remarkable immune system, so if something does hit me, it hits me hard.
I went jogging with some friends that day. The day after I was foggy-headed and my mind seemed as though outside forces were jerking it about. In addition, I was quite sore and my throat emanated this smell of death. I have some bad halitosis, I might add, but this was worse than usual. Still, it was my mind that was in bad shape. Of course, I dwell on negativity, but sometimes there's just a lot to work with.
Okay, so these two can jog a quarter of what I can run, but I haven't been running much with this recent school schedule, and my sense of motivation is largely atrophied compared to what it once was. Cooking doesn't inspire me; shit food seems better to me if it's easier to come by.
As a result, it helps to have more reasons and more motivations.
It's also nice to meet those who read more than myself.
I'm quite well aware of what a moron I am when I can't see the parallels between The Kalevala and The Lord of the Rings. Of course, I haven't read Lord of the Rings.
Anyway, one of these people I've known for some time. I haven't jogged with him much but I've seen how he runs in comparison in other situations. He's got plenty enough burst speed but as usual I go for distance. I really take this for granted and am still surprised when I find myself faster or more energetic than many people. I've been doing it for so long that it is second nature.
Back to the reading. The other person I run with, a friend of his, is quite impressive. She's well read and quite interesting. I fell for her a little fast, but I was having an energy spike that day so you wouldn't notice the difference. What's it called... sapiosexuality? Intelligence is a selling point.
Anyway, by the second run a couple weeks later, (I was eagerly awaiting to see her again,) I was a little less hyper, given it was the first day of that cold. Or flu.
Or whatever it was.
I was putting two and two together. i.e. They may be together.
Or going out.
I felt stupid and helpless. This romance-department thing is not my thing. I finally fell asleep that night--with no insignificant degree of difficulty. The next day the flu was at its peak. The dry, dying throat, the fuzzy brain. The second day was the fuzzy-brain-day.
That's a great day to turn panicky on. REALLY, IT IS! (Nah, that was sarcasm.)
My heartbeat was irregular and my usual whimsical brain felt as though it were being thrashed about.
After copious amounts of sleep and a skipped anatomy class I considerably better.
Even so, it was until today (day three of the cold) that I could really look at that state of mind.
I'm just lonely, man. I'm content to be on my own, but I can still feel a bit lonely from time to time. I'd make a great stalker if I had the drive. Fortunately, I have days were the very act of cracking a book open is dreadful. I may have energy, but I consistently lack drive. It's what I envy in a lot of businessmen.
Anyway, I'm not a stalker.
I'm also quite sure I'm over her. That crush lasted longer than my cold, which should be beaten by tomorrow morning.
Now I shall attempt to do some homework. This coffee is wearing off...
current mood: okay
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|Thursday, October 24th, 2013|
11:00 pm - A few more jobs I could do...
...but I have little left in me.|
This week was hell. I have had three tests, but at least that is all I have in terms of tests.
I didn't quite plan out things or really pay heed to my work schedule. I didn't expect to work 11.5 hours on Saturday, but I did. There's nothing wrong with thinking you can get the majority of the studying for a test in the next three days. Of course, if those three days are largely just you at work...
As it appears to be, the physiology is much easier for me than the anatomy. I could care less where a muscle connects or what a bone is shaped like, but I am fascinated with the biochemistry and the microscopic looks at the very same things that I found a little difficult to study.
I also found it interesting how we look like giant slabs of meat. That only helped me so much.
Our abs are just slabs of bacon.
And the universe... the sun will one day die and the earth as well.
If there's a nuclear war, the bacteria will have the planet to themselves.
I like this.
It gives me shudders.
Also, the play Venus in Fur is playing in Wisconsin. I came across the brochure recently on a day where I was not well put-together. I may be able to make the very last show.
Work has been busy.
The "Jingle Run" will be on the third. I don't care what they're running for (though it's hard not to think these people walking in circles on the grounds of the zoo look silly). Hell, it's business, right?
I've also been considering things about my own self. The stress has been breaking me down.
My thoughts were more coherent the day I really sat down to think.
Hating myself is okay if I plan on fixing the things that are wrong with me.
I hate leadership roles, but I wonder if it's something deeper than that. I mean--I was practically catatonic at the Club meeting yesterday. They offered presidency to me since I seemed promising enough. I prefer second role, however. I love to take orders. It's inherent.
Hopefully I lose that job.
I have an email to make tonight for the club, but I think I will have to wait till tomorrow morning.
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|Monday, October 21st, 2013|
6:26 pm - Some idle thoughts I've been holding off on:
The desire to write down my thoughts from the past couple weeks have waxed and waned. When the opportunity would arise I'd be much too tired or disinterested. Even now I find myself largely distracted.|
Maybe another day.
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|Friday, October 4th, 2013|
10:15 am - Mental Tiredness
I type because I feel compelled to type. I will get back to that assignment but I never really had time to clean up the house.|
Granted, I wonder where that time goes. I can't work every waking hour. Believe me--I wish I could. Where's my sense of organization? Ahh, yes. I just remembered that I don't have one.
And so many people seem to think I'm smart. This one bothers me as I don't feel I'm too smart myself. I still have to pick up my dad from the airport today and that really helps with time management. I'm really just eating cheesecake right now.
I also have a lot to clean up. I'm drinking this two-and-a-half day old coffee, with one cup having been left in front of the computer over night.
It was like a little Christmas present just waiting there for me.
On Sunday I will have off of work and school. I need this break. When I am busy seven days a week I lose productivity or something. I wonder how there are so many hours in the day and yet I feel so unaccomplished. If I have a spare hour to break I will sit and watch television. I would read a book, but my pleasure-reading mostly reminds me of the more pressing books to tackle.
My anatomy teacher believes in me, which is a tad bit unnerving. Anatomy is not a bad class for my fact-oriented brain, but it's still intensive.
I forget so much stuff sometimes.
My two folders and two notebooks...
One notebook was destroyed by the river I waded through on a field trip. My Biology teacher pointed out how I didn't turn in any homework. In truth, there is only one homework assignment in his class that I actually remembered, but I was tired to the bone and kept staring off into space for most of the day before. Other days I was busy or forgetful.
I have other folders and I need to remember those.
I did my joy spending last week and I decided that it was the great majority of any joy-spending I would do for a while. I got that NOOK (TM) to do a better job at DnD, but we have one player who recently voiced how he's thinking of quitting. I find this a funny coincidence as I was losing drive for the game as well. I'm DM.
I've been far too drained or preoccupied. Being dungeon master is not easy given all the numbers you need to remember, the maps, characters, characters' inventories, environments...
It gets to the point where remember the order people roll in becomes difficult to keep track of. I have it all written down in large text on a dry-erase board and it still eludes me.
And then random anatomy terms just pop into my head at times. As soon as I get back into that training-guide for treatment of metal wastestreams I will have chemical and mechanical terms popping into my head.
I had 4 tests this very week that my parents both left for vacation. I'm not at all mad at my father, who unfortunately has missed out on all the national parks on his trip due to the government shutdown.
My mother didn't think anything through. She never does, though.
The fleas have gotten worse. I will shell out a portion of my next check. Sure, I could buy the poisons to bomb the carpet one floor at a time, but I wouldn't really ever have the time to do so in the first place. Next semester I would like to try for two exams to gain additional certificates. I avoided getting them last semester as it's quite a bit of work and I wanted more backing in chemistry and biology first in order to better absorb the information in the first place. My have is to get a part-time job in water treatment by next fall. Ultimately, I want to work with all the little bugs and the like (microbiology) but that's even more schooling and studying and I'd rather be trained in a few key jobs first.
Yesterday I helped a woman with her Spanish while I worked on my anatomy homework that I kept forgetting about. Just because you can knock off a big assignment in a week, doesn't mean you should plan it out like that.
This week was hell in so many respects.
I have 10 questions out of 160 done already on the muscle and kinesiology chapter and I will be reading the book on wastestreams and hopefully get some of the practice test done by Monday.
The unfortunate thing is that I don't think this chemistry stuff is the kind of reading that can be done in little bites here and there.
I am forgetting everything that way.
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|Sunday, September 29th, 2013|
7:52 pm - A lot has happened.
On numerous occasions I have felt the need to "journal-it-up", but have been too busy. I have had my emotional highs and lows and and found myself caught up in school and work.|
First of all I need to state that after having worked a 9-5 work-week I can confidently say that I prefer second shift. Waking up early so that I have a few hours to myself later in the day is not nearly so perfect as working till midnight so that I can sleep till ten in the morning.
I haven't slept till ten since...
Geesh, I really can't tell.
I work two days a week and I go to school for the other five. The schedule isn't terribly consistent.
Anatomy and Physiology is hard but I am doing well enough. I have a test on Tuesday. I am a little tired by now so my study-time will be limited.
I have not jogged as much in favor of studying--or procrastinating on studying. This is not a wise idea. If I wear myself down on Sunday I can kick ass on Monday. When I don't work out I break out. Acne is not terribly pleasant. The feeling of something pushing from under your skin is a horrid sensation.
**And now a fly has suddenly appeared, making me feel for a second that I was losing my mind.**
Recently my dad has gone on the vacation that he planned months ago. My mother happened to spring one on the same week, but with no planning and the assumption that I would watch her house.
As a result of this I am busy.
DnD must wait. Really, those people can fuck themselves. I'm told my schedules aren't terribly consistent. They can take that up with my not terribly consistent life.
And a while back I realized that I may in fact have depression. I've always been quite sure of my unusually low energy levels but I had a couple of days a couple weeks ago to really drive the nail home. I wanted to just find some place to cry as I sat there blankly staring at my anatomy book. I thought about it and realized, "I've no reason to be sad". That didn't solve a fucking thing.
Then again, all I want is a goddamn day off so that I may sit patiently and read.
Tomorrow I could feasibly sleep in till 10.
9 is a better choice.
I am almost done with Heretics of Dune, but I've two exams to do this week. I should breeze by well enough. Then I can read...
Words I have overused in this post: enough, well, I've
current mood: We are the Champions
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