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The murk that is my mind!

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Tuesday, October 14th, 2014
10:44 pm - Time Flies
I got quite a bit done near the start of the day, but that study session wore me down. By the time I got home I was more interested in going for a run or swimming. Nonetheless, I helped someone through some newly printed notes, as he lost half of his stuff from that hour-long* session earlier in the day.
I was pretty frustrated. I could study and finish the homework, but instead I'm trying to sort through different packets and files to help him on questions I already did.
I'm all about helping people out, but lately I've been considering taking up this drinking thing that I hear kids my age are partaking in.
I'll probably go to bed shortly. I'd rather rush the rest of my stuff in the morning than lose sleep.
---
I called up Hypatia in order to try and go back into that old friendship thing as opposed to trying to ignore her very existance. It's not too difficult to ignore and avoid someone you would rarely run into, but ignoring something just tends to make it stand out more. I've gotten the impression that going back to a more basic comraderie is the adult thing to do.
It really feels like when I'm biking uphill or holding a plank-position for longer than I'd like. Perhaps not physically, but it requires that same mental fortitude and more literal jaw-clenching.
It still hurts a bit, but I have to push through it. I have to.


_______________

1. Might have been closer to two.

current mood: done

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Monday, October 13th, 2014
8:20 pm - I feel great.
The darkness cut my run short, but it was a satisfying one. After a good run I breath deeper, stretch better and move more lithely.
Still, focusing on my homework is a pain.
I'm quite over Hypatia. I would prefer to know her and run into her without stuff being weird.
The whole idea of living alone doesn't bother me as much. I shouldn't be in relationships. I get overloaded with stuff--or at least feel overloaded--far too easily.
---
I've just been thinking over my life. I'm 23 and I've accomplished so very little.
But I really should hit the rest of the books.

current mood: Go Forth and Die ~Dethklok

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Thursday, October 9th, 2014
9:19 pm - Much More Normal
Today was uneventful, but I'm still quite content. I did not accomplish enough the past couple days, but the days when fast. I did enough on Monday and Tuesday to make me feel as though it were a Thursday on Tuesday. Today felt like a Friday.
Most people would be made impatient by that, but it made me feel quite relaxed. Now I must study.

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Tuesday, October 7th, 2014
6:55 pm - Circuits Returning to Normal.
I'm feeling a bit more stressed.
Good. It should force me to study more.
I hit up the library yesterday, as the humanities room is a quiet place to study. I made significant progress in re-reading that study guide. There is still much to be done by November 5th, but at least I returned to something that works.
I finished the final Dune novel. There was meant to be another, but Frank Herbert died before he could finish it. I had mixed opinions on that book but I can't say I didn't enjoy it. It felt distinctly like a transitionary piece, though I could see a lot coming out more than just one book.
A couple nights ago I had some vivid dreams.
I am the farthest thing from a lucid dreamer, but this felt more real than most dreams. Hell, even the colors were sharper. The odd dreariness that occurs in so many dreams was there, but things in the immediate area were still very bright and welp, sharp.
There was a busy day at work, talking to a vet about animal stuff, running into Hypatia...
Ugh. I shouldn't dwell, but that dream put me in a funk.
This weather, these studies, it all makes my mind stray to where it shouldn't be.
---
Right at this moment I don't give a shit.
I want to go running or something. Or swimming. I've been going light on the exercise and now I feel like a fatass.

current mood: tired

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Wednesday, October 1st, 2014
7:10 pm - This Day was Fast.
Looking through the torrents I'm seeding. What an eclectic set of interests. I do not feel that it misrepresents me, though perhaps it's not the type of matter you bring up on Sunday brunch.
Who am I kidding, I talk about nematodes on a regular basis.
Where was I?
I still have to swim, though perhaps picking up books can wait.
She's more or less out of my brain right now. There's other stuff invading my thoughts--namely this test tomorrow.
That, and I really need to get some exercise in.
Swimming shall occur soon.
Oddly enough, I'm confident in this test tomorrow.
My thoughts were much more together before I started writing them out. That's not necessarily my style, though it is not some sort of anomaly.
My throat is raw as if a cold is sticking it's shadowing glare around my curtains. So amorphous, so sinister, so hateful.
Where was I?
First time playing a video game in perhaps over a week.
Normally that sets up a lot of free time.
I've only recently found myself of doing any actual reading.
I really should plan out this day in order to get some good sleep in.
Living between two different houses can be a bit of a problem. Therein lies some time lost.
I saw Sir Skidsalot yesterday. Ah, such good friends I am with the cats.
I really am quite groggy today.
Maybe I should swim regardless.

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Tuesday, September 30th, 2014
6:32 pm - All lights off...
Except for in the kitchen, though I may shut those off soon.
This dreary weather. I would love it if it wouldn't make me think of her so much. It's a little late in this dreary day to run, especially since I have rice boiling to appease my rumbling stomach.
I'm thinking of getting out there, as it were. I need to oust Hypatia from my brain.
We first went running on a cold and dreary day such as this one.
And I was fawning over her almost immediately. Like, by the second week the feeling was just about there.
I'm a moron.
I think I'm maturing. This sadness is tinged with a bit of touch with reality. Things I never realized I've been realizing for some time. The appreciation of my family, the connection that actually exists. I mean, I feel cognizant of it. I love my family and it's something that I'm not seeing as matter-of-fact.
I hate myself, but it's not really myself in the sense of this mind that I have.
It's what it's capable of.
I'll never be a doctor obviously, or anything sweet like that. I'll never have a puzzle-oriented mind and I feel like I'm a thousand times more aware of this macrocosm that I used to be, but only more recently.
There is pain in this world, and no gods. I only just realized the first of these two.
And not my pain.
OTHER PEOPLES' pain. All that innocence and unrestricted happiness and growth I was born into.
Now what I do now that it just sits in my head, I don't know.
I think I need more stress, more distractions.
It's what I know.
I'll give this some more thought, maybe see if that Half-Priced Books employee is on the job. I don't exactly believe I'll find someone to really get a conncetion with, but I'll try if for no other reason than to keep this dull brain busy.

current mood: deep in thought

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Sunday, September 28th, 2014
11:54 pm - And soon I must sleep.
Did 40 minutes just dissapear to me reading webcomics?
I got a good run in. At only an hour in duration, it was quite sufficient given my tiredness and the fact that I burned through some adrenaline at a few points. It's a benefit of jogging at night with an active imagination. That sympathetic nervous system thing kicks in. (At one point I did a 180 degree turn and raised my fists in response to hearing a coyote in the distance.)
Mind ya, I was listening to music at the time, so the reaction wasn't unreasonable.
***
I could probably do halfway decent on this test. I'm still a bit uneasy, but that is bound to happen when I've spent so much time having no fucking idea what any of the stuff means.
He'll take all day on a rudimentary equation but give us only 15 minutes on a different one with a whole new series of figures and values.
***
I suppose this just means I should figure it all out on my own, eh? I could try getting help after class on the next occasion I get a bit confuzzled.
***
I think a few more minutes dissapeared.
***
And so I still have moments where I miss Hypatia.
Last night I teared up and today I wonder if it was me missing her or me realizing that I'm on a road to being a recluse of some sort. My self esteem is a bit weak given my weak record. I hate feeling lonely and unpleasant to be around. This is part pity-gathering and partially me just wanting to not feel like joke.
***
Why is any of this a problem? I barely have a few pebbles rolling about in my skull that constitute my brain. It's incorpreal, this mind. In addition, I think it's a joke.
100% self-awareness 24/7 and less of a reliance on feelings.
I can't see that happening.

current mood: sleepy

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Wednesday, September 24th, 2014
8:07 am - Gotta get Going

A brief summary as I really don't have the time to post (I was just to sleepy last night):
- My group spent some 4 hours or so checking the perimeter of a lagoon and making tests on it. Though murky and tinted yellow-green, there are some impressively sized turtles and particularly large snails in that body of water.
-I've been thinking more on how my mind has be falling into nostalgia. It's not something I necessarily actively go into. Everything just triggers an old memory or experience.
-Feeling good about myself in some respects, but in others I just naturally view myself in a rather low manner.
-Having a car makes quite a bit of difference. I don't lose an entire day just because I need to write out a check.
-Shit, I have to hit up the post office today.
-I have a stuffed paramecium in said car now*. That is how I personalize a car.
-Maybe I should get into that dating-game thing again. No, not Japanese "sim's", but hit up the nerd-bar or a hpb...
I actually have the time, though Industrial Hygiene still comes first.



-----
1. http://www.amazon.com/Giant-Microbes-Paramecium-Caudatum-Plush/dp/B005MJ697W



current mood: pretty damn good

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Thursday, September 18th, 2014
11:21 pm - I need fungicide, or at least something along those lines.
The blight returned to two of my coffee plants.
I do not feel the same about gardening as I used to. I've lost interest. That part of who I am must have atrophied during that last really bad year.
I should get to bed. I have stuff to do.

current mood: tired

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Wednesday, September 17th, 2014
7:46 pm - I should be making food...
I am hungry, though my appetite has often been flat when the hunger would be felt.
Typing comes first. Hashbrowns after this.
---
Now if only I could have the fortune of driving past that Zafiro's without thinking of Hypatia.
I thought I was doing well, too.
Lately I've had an odd amount of confidence, thinking that maybe--just maybe--I won't die alone.
The cashier at that Half-Priced Books... ...the Pokemon-themed wallet continues to work as chick-bait.
But I just grinned and said good day, because really, what else do you utter as you've finished buying just one softcover book.
The textbooks at that location are a bit weak.
I will be on Abebooks soon enough to purchase reading for the wastewater examination. Maybe while I'm at it I can pick up a copy of the Physiology of Nematodes. or whatever it's called.
It was a great read.
---
I finally ran into a classmate from Math from so long ago. I got some valuable information on hazmat careers. They have you traveling about as much as the National Guard (well, limited to just America and probably Canada, though). He also offered good advice on biking and talked avidly about sea anenomes*.
---
I still feel a bit manic. I hope this keeps going. I could use it for studying.


__________________
1. spelled it right on the first try

current mood: tapering off

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Tuesday, September 16th, 2014
7:11 pm
I'm not sure if I've been approaching that secret diet or what exactly has been going on, but I've been at that perfect state; twitchy, mumbling to myself and prone to laughter. I've had an energy and a drive to do anything. I have to admit that my Industrial Hygiene book is still hard to read when I'm feeling as manic as I've been feeling. Maybe a couple of pages every hour or so?
I've gotten back into Chapterhouse: Dune and I am just about done. I can't say it's a great as a standalone book, but it's enjoyable if you've followed the series that far. I feel almost as though the intent was for it to be another a transitionary story, much like Dune Messiah.
I've lost a bit of interest in typing, though I will state that I thought of the words in the book I was reading.
I hadn't known of this story till I began reading it.
It was out of my conciousness. I then began thinking of the raw atomic material that everything is.
I'm just seeing a small portion of nothing.
Every breath I take is insignificant.
I love it.

current mood: manic

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Monday, September 8th, 2014
9:02 pm - Just Plotting Sleep and Glaring at Nothing
Feeling the effects of that Tough Mudder the day after.
I resent that I have to be awake or have to listen to people or do things.
I'm tired.
Oh, but it was great yesterday.
I now have three headbands.
I need sleep.

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Wednesday, September 3rd, 2014
3:45 pm - One bite from the Irish carbomb cake
and I am thinking of how awesome it would be to do some standup, where you're playing a character who is doing a diversion, leaving little hints for the people trying to sneak around and the like.
Upon finishing the cake I am thinking, "and then a cauldron would be tipped, showering me with plush rabbits from the catwalk.
---
I got some much needed sleep.
I was in a rather horrid state both mentally and physically.
Now It's mostly mental.

My cogs were jammed when trying to do chemistry. I just couldn't will myself to piece everything together.
Still, my heel is no longer killing me.
And Tough Mudder approaches.
I'd rather not visit my mom's today, since it would be for only a brief period. I really just need to be on that side of town, given how far North my school is.
I feel like laying down again, but the last time I tried it the attempts fell flat.
I'm restless and tired.
Never fun.
I'd rather not go that far out of my way, even if it does mean I get to see my cats.

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Tuesday, September 2nd, 2014
2:48 pm - A bit tired.
I woke of with no appetite whatsoever, feeling already sapped of strength. It took me till around this time to finally gain some energy and shake of the feeling of intense misery.
I might compare my job right now to someone with a ratty pair of sneakers. The holes are becoming visable and the entirety of the design is starting to dissassemble. All the while my shoes are no different, and working the Labor Day weekend shot me down a few pegs.
Each little event, hell, any day of work has me gradually losing it.
That almost nap has me a lot more relaxed.

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Thursday, August 28th, 2014
8:50 pm - Birds in the Sky
Okay, I'm not actually sure on that one, but it was quite beautiful out. I do believe I'll try to do more tomorrow. I need to make some more kim chi with these chiles I bought. Pick up some vegetables, check out the single Asians.
---
A good workout can help put everything into better context by no other reason than how good a person can feel after one.
I really should force myself to run more, no matter how late it is or how fatigued I feel.
Running and gardening don't hold as much of a sway anymore.
I'm not sure if I need the thrill of new experiences, life just hasn't been as stimulating or if I've been wallowing in nostalgia.
I've been thinking of the past quite a lot, including my experience in restaurants. I wasn't great at it, but it's something I knew. I'd kill for some second shift too.
The world was fresh and full of experiences to be exploited. Running was something that was new to me. I loved hiking, climbing and walking. Running was different.
Now running feels forced and I don't feel the oddly spiritual connection to my garden anymore.
It just sits there as I yearn for fall.
I have fond memories of watching cheesy horror after work. That much isn't nostalgia. Halloween marathons are just plain awesome.
Reading is going well and it isn't in anyway overbearing.
My chemistry knowledge is rusty and I keep forgetting my wastewater treatment stuff.
Today I just needed some television, a full stomach, and death metal.
I do believe I will be eating out more often very soon. I need that instant gratification, because I can't focus when I'm hungry.
To satiate my appetites I need quite a bit of food.
The fridge is bare of a lot of things with... well a lot of things, but mostly umami and protein.
---
And since I probably should as always, mention that I still miss her.
But a lost cause is a lost cause.

current mood: refreshed

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Tuesday, August 26th, 2014
6:50 pm - A bit confused.
I was supposed to babysit, but I really don't know what's going on right now.
So far into the school year is nothing of note, which is probably for the best. I feel mentally unstimulated, which is for the best. That dream of mine of finding my own place, turning down all the lights and just sort of sitting there on all my off-days is something I hope to make my reality.
I could prepare food for myself, sit back and enjoy a book for myself. It really would be nice. In addition, family and friends could be an afterthought. My time could be spent quietly, just making my necessary excursions during holidays.
I don't seek adventure. I prefer hibernation.
I try not to think of her, but I'm not too successful. I try to plan out events to go to, people to meet.
Being alone at this point just seems preferable.
Maybe I will make some food or something.
Reading doesn't appeal to me right now.
Rest.
All I need is rest.
All the time.
Everything is draining, everything takes up too much of something that I cannot quite place.

current mood: dull

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Friday, August 22nd, 2014
1:58 pm - Droll Mind for a Droll Day
Whenever I sleep in my motivation is killed. I wanted to do so much, but I was in bed past 10 in the morning.
I was taking for granted the fact that working 9-5 over the summer has made me better at waking up early.
I'm still a late-riser by nature. I feel that this should not imply that I am lazy or lack energy, because I can kick ass at just about anything by noon.
---
I skipped out on two munches due to the fact that I just didn't have the energy. I am also a bit more vanilla than a lot of kinksters out there, so that's more reason for me not to get out there.
It was an enjoyable enough thing to be in a relationship, even if it was one that was destined to fail at the start. I kind of miss the feeling.
I still have great friends that can understand me and I can relate to on all matter of things, so there's not too much I'm really missing out on. The adage states, "bros before hoes". There is some truth to that.
---
I wanted to be up early among other things to hit up a coffee-shop and get some early studying in. There are distractions at home that are hard to avoid. I also wanted to buy tennis shoes that aren't falling apart.
---
I will put a lot of gaming on hold over the school year, and continue my avoidance of excessive reading. In fact, I just outright put all the books down, but a conversation with a friend made me want to finish off the Dune series.
---
So now I do nothing.

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Thursday, August 21st, 2014
12:57 pm - It's raining pretty hard.
So far today I've done nothing and I am okay with that.
My arms are sore enough where it hurts to extend them all the way.
It's not the day after going to the gym, but the day after that that gets you.
----
I could go to a munch today but I may just stay inside.
---
I feel compelled to write something of meaning but nothing is coming out.

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Tuesday, August 19th, 2014
1:01 pm - Today and Yesterday
I feel sometimes that I am just barely able to get by in living. I don't mean this in a money fashion, but in the respect of those people who need a psychiatrist with them 24/7.
I am a bit disappointing in terms of my sense of direction and travelling abilities. I at least share the typical male trait of not wanting to ask for directions.
You see, when they made changes to the freeway where along the airport, they really switched things up. I mean, we've got a fair share of roads in Wisconsin where you want to switch to the right lane to go left.
I took a wrong path at a few points and went on an adventure. I was exhausted after all this.
I have another week till school.
I feel surprisingly prepared.
I also intend on looking for a new part-time job. Perhaps some seasonal work?
I want a real job someday, but until then making ends meet at minimum wage is effective enough.
---
I still miss her.
---
I'm considering trying out Ritalin. I want control over my mind. I want permanent self-awareness; not the borderline insanity I'm so used to.

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Friday, August 15th, 2014
8:04 am - Shades Down
It's how I've come to enjoy staying indoors. Given how I used to spend much of my days wandering about outside or gardening, I've changed a bit.
Now it tends to be a bit too much. The light, the sounds, the smells--the artificial environment of my house is much more comforting. I look outside and feel safer.
Yesterday I biked home from work after an event. It was cool and past ten o'clock. The emptiness of the streets, the chilliness, and the length of my bike-ride took me back to when I went to a salsa-lesson event in downtown campus. I used to bike more, and at times like that it was a necessity due to all that is wonky with the bus. That day there was a basketball game that sort of shut down the lines in that part of the city. Naturally, I handled it with ease.
The following day I played Dungeons and Dragons.
 ---
Partway home yesterday I noticed the street that I so often might take via bus to reach Hypatia's. I wondered, what if I took that road and kept on going?
My goal of biking to Madison will have to wait another year I think, but the next off-day from school I know where I am going.
I go straight from work to school, with errands to run off the bat. Among them is that I have to get lab-work of some sort done. The receptionist at the doctor's office was under the impression that I was some moron for not being totally aware of this. She shared a similar attitude about how my prescription never arrived at the pharmacy.
Honestly, she can go eat a horse dick.
---
I haven't jogged as much this year. I often would claim that biking to and from work made it so that jogging could be forgotten for the day.
I'm not sure what convinced me of such stupidity.
Laziness. Of course.
I've at least gotten a certain variety of exercises in.
Tough Mudder is doable for me, but I won't shine as much as I could have.

current mood: woozy

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