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The murk that is my mind!

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Friday, December 19th, 2014
4:22 pm - Another day that could have been spent better.
It's not as though I care THAT much, but my run yesterday had me burnt out in less than an hour and the cold was an annoyance on my respiratory system.
Everything is an uphill battle, now isn't it?
I put running on the backburner when finals and shit occurred. Plenty of the morbidly obese will argue that running puts strain on your joints, but the floors at my work do far worse to me. There's something about being in pain after two days at work that convinces you that your job sucks.
Nonetheless, I've got things to keep up with. One more paycheck should hopefully see me through.
---
Where was I? Oh yeah, I'm REALLY out of shape.

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Wednesday, December 17th, 2014
12:49 am - Spending 12 hour sessions three days in a row or so with the same people...
It makes you want to murder them.
Also, I smell like an ashtray.
I don't smoke, but both of them do it profusely. One of them agrees that it's a bad habit but is addicted, the other won't shut up about how it's not bad for you.
I hear enough of that silliness from that unwashed hippy in one class session. To hear him look for another thing to complain about every 2 minutes.
Seriously, you can talk about chocolate and he'll start bitching.
----
Tomorrow, erm, today we give our presentation.
----
I slept in till around 9 last night. This behavior is acceptable enough given the circumstances. The burnout is pretty bad. Once that threshold has been passed, every bad emotion is triggered like a Gatling gun. I just misclicked something, time to explode into a stream of curse words.

current mood: Irate

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Friday, December 12th, 2014
11:57 pm - Persevering?
My midterms sat stable enough, but now I wait on the results of two of my classes with a certain amount of head-scratching.
My partners in this presentation and I felt rather accomplished. We've not only not killed ourselves*, but we made some real headway on the presentation. There is still work to be done, but we got the skeleton all laid out and will effectively be meeting up every day until Wednesday when the presentation must be given.
---
The emphasis on school has forced me to put fitness on the backburner. As a result, I've been a little less sharp, more sore and breaking out with a reasonably unpleasant bout of acne.
---
I've been rather absorbed in a certain amount of thought. Sometimes I'm thinking of the future, other times my bucket list, other times of Hypatia.
There is a lot I need to sort through.
---
Money is okay, I guess. I'm not sure if I'm getting cut or even being given my two-week break that is issued to all of us who might be viable for insurance or the classification of "part-time". For being a seasonal worker I sure work a large portion of the year (3/4ths of it to be exact).
I was really hoping for that break during finals, but no luck.
Work tomorrow, wondering if I should bike again. It's a good time to sleep and I have work tomorrow. Biking is inconvenient as it requires me to wake up earlier by default, even earlier if I want to minimize the likelihood of injury*. It might be wiser given all the schoolwork that is due, but it will be pushing 50 degrees the next two days.
I may just go for more sleep.
I need it.


____________________________
1. ...literally, mind you. The stress was there, so that's its own subject.
2. which I fail to do in favor of more sleep

current mood: better than before, I suppose.

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12:49 am - I really work better at night.
I was sort of taking naps throughout the day and being distracted by television. Granted, THIS test gives me some confidence; today's had a few curveballs, but I survived it well enough I guess. I studied, but apparently not the stuff he really wanted us going over.
One more test, then that giant-ass presentation.
I've also had other stuff going on in my mind lately, but given my avoidance of pleasure reads and socializing, I think I might have saved myself from a certain amount of stress and the like.
By and large, I kept my shit together.
And it was fucking exhausting.

current mood: worn down

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Wednesday, December 10th, 2014
9:23 pm - Mended a fray or two
Finals, joy. I still have an issue with procrastinating, but I'm nonetheless on top of my shit moreso than I have been in the past.
I really barrelled down on my homework Tuesday night, only giving myself an hour of sleep. I sat through class artificially sustained on coffee, with my required trips to the bathroom and pain all-over that I get when sleep deprived serving as a reminder of the costs of attaining some level of concentration and ability.
When I got home I slept for four hours.
---
Today was a meet-up and study-session with my group. We really will be pouring every hour we can into Friday through Tuesday to make sure this presentation is tip-top shape.
---
I guess I was stressed-out and frazzled for a while but I'm feeling okay now.

current mood: okay

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Saturday, December 6th, 2014
11:35 pm - Typing, typing, typing.
I just want to jot stuff down.
Again, laziness takes hold of me.
---
Stuff to mention:

  • Today I biked to and from work. I felt pretty good/fatigued afterwards.

  • I want to swim at some point this week.

  • My run a couple days back was great.

  • Hung out with some good friends that I haven't seen in ages.

  • Money isn't great, but I have a steady flow of it and my bank account has seen worse days.

  • Sometimes I wish I never got this gaming computer. Then again, in no way could I ever regret buying Amnesia. I just give in to wasting time playing video games far too often.

  • Ran into a friend that I haven't met up with in ages. Apologized to him for my sour attitude at a party and how I wasn't quite myself. I was too hung-up about those DNR tests.

  • This school semester had a fair amount of me diverting from one class to another.

  • The Powerpoint for my final project will look good, but the paper is a daunting thought.

  • I got distracted from my distraction that is blogging.

I shall sleep as there's nothing to be gained in staying awake.

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Friday, December 5th, 2014
7:58 pm - Think, think, think...
Sometime in this week I could work in some biking. The snow has been sparce and the weather has been pleasant.
I had so much shit in school that I am at that point where it's hard to care. Strange really, I only have 12 days left.
I am still debating my last class/es of choice.
I stand at 10 credits. I'd like to take CPR, but it's only worth 1 credit. None of the 3 credit classes seem entirely worth the while with the exception of the GIS* class. It's a useful class, but having 5 classes in a semester when I still have to worry about my refresher class for hazmat is a bit much.
I figured maybe another science class to get me closer to this Biotechnology Certificate.
I can probably get CPR-training through whatever job I get. Mind you, CPR training is meant to help me find a job.
---
I've some Powerpoint stuff to go over still.
Plus maybe the gym.


1. Global Information System. In other words, mapping

current mood: sleepy

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Monday, December 1st, 2014
5:56 pm - Okay
So often when I find myself waking from a nap, there are feelings of fear and self-disgust. I cannot believe myself to be going about life fast enough. I wake up feeling that so much of my life has been in vain and that I'll never see with more scope than my current limited view offers.
The last couple nights I went to be feeling fearful and on a fast-track to winding up homeless.
Finals are coming up, so negative emotions are hard to shake.
Today was a bit different. I woke up and felt like everything is going at a good pace. I had this feeling that was a thought at the same time. That brief relationship where I kind of just made a fool of myself and nearly destroyed a relationship...
I was improved by that.
I can find a career, I can find love and--hell--I can chase the silly goals that spew from my bucket list and thoughts of self-actualization can more easily be attained than silly thoughts like those of true love.
I don't know what I am, but mentally and emotionally reliant upon others is not one of them.

Time to read!

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Friday, November 28th, 2014
10:52 pm - A do nothing day.
Hm, I have to make it up the rest of the week.
I have homework due this Thursday, but then I did actually study that.
Then played video games for about 4 hours.
I skipped out on some valuable jogging, stationary biking and swimming today in favor of watching cartoons and eating alfredo.
---
Granted, this was my first true off-day in a few weeks. I feel that I enjoyed it properly.

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Monday, November 24th, 2014
6:41 pm - At least it isn't that cold.
The day started off a bit gloomy and then later turned to a mixture of rain and snow.
At a certain point it just turned to snow.
I can go to the gym another day. I ran yesterday.
I have some brain fogginess to push through, especially since I have that take-home test.
I have no clue what is on the actual test.
---
I should really get breakfast somewhere tomorrow.
---
I have $200 dollars, much of which will disappear. There's gas, life in general, Amelia's special food. Living pay-check to pay-check isn't bad.
I haven't been doing a lot of work looking for a new job. School has generally taken the priority, and when it hasn't I've been taking a break from school.
Ya dig?
I have also been rather grateful that my friends have been busy. I get along with my classmates quite well, but the thought of really meeting up with other people just causes extra bile to be produced.
---
I must stress again how I really can't comprehend all these 4-year and Master's degree folks.
This 2-year thing can get tough.

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Thursday, November 20th, 2014
7:26 pm - Quite the Rift in the Space-Time
Yes, this semester went rather fast, but it's the past few weeks that really disappeared. I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I've kept a watchful eye on my studies for all the past few weeks.
There was the DNR test, me working out more, good weather for a while.
---
Amelia is doing well enough. He's overweight and he's getting old, but that's the only real issue. Monetarily speaking, I was doing well up until the vet bills occurred. My credit card is maxed and I have a month and a half left at work if I'm lucky.
---
I have some more studying to do for this test, but I think I still need to swim. Blood-flow in general is good for the brain and it's too cold to want to run as well as too dark at this point to hit a good trail.
That's for tomorrow, though I'm still debating on bus-usage or not. I have library books to return and nowhere that I actually need to be.
---
My friends are busy.
Finally. Fuck them.
For years I was familiar with having a job and them either being unemployed or having a really nice schedule.
That satisfaction from just-desserts fades away quickly enough. Like, within a minute or two.
I don't wish anything ill on my friends.
Regardless, I'm happy that everyone else is busy while I'm busy. It's less pressure for me to really enjoy the company of others or to go outside.
---
I was at my mom's house for a good week, watching the pets. There is no gym in the area so I mostly felt fat for a while.
I really need to feel active again.
It's cold out but it's a goal of mine to go for a run on a weekly basis, regardless of the weather.

current mood: Okay, I guess.

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Sunday, November 16th, 2014
11:25 pm - Tired
I've not had the time or convenience for working out, causing me to go all sluggish in the brain and give me break-outs of an insane caliber. I hope to swim or run tomorrow. Maybe swim? I'd like to hit the dirt trail before it gets dark, leaving tomorrow out of the question.
---
Amelia is doing well. I cleaned out their room, bleaching the floors and washing the litterboxes. Some Frontline medicine caused those fleas to slow down, fall off and begin their dying process early.
I'll comb away the flea-dirt and hit up the vet's office.
---
If they don't schedule me to work Thanksgiving, I do believe I'll help at a soup kitchen.
I've had a bit going on in my head lately, making studying for this week's tests a bit difficult.
I've some homework to do, but I may just sleep. I've been needing a good sleep.

current mood: functionally useless as of this moment

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Wednesday, November 12th, 2014
11:06 pm - Oh, so NOW I'm awake.
I had opened a few good tabs for some job opportunities, but I was in too much of a fog to do much more than that at the time.
Then I got distracted and started reading about McMurdo Station.
That's something that comes and goes off of my bucketlist. I could always just run a marathon on that continent, but my mind has been on the matters of the sea and of aquatic biology.
My textbook by the title of Invertebrate Biology. I need to find some additional reading on the larval stages of crabs.
Then again, I can't really find the urge or time to read the book on Virology that I checked out. I would often try to read it after work, but I was dead by that point in the day. Strange, really.
---
The initial fog that happened was something to do with the shit mood as well as the fact that the weather went from comfortable enough where I could walk around in a t-shirt if I kept moving to getting out my pea-coat. Seriously, two days ago it was good weather in this part of Wisconsin. It's a bit sudden, but the temperature drop seems like it's staying at a cold temp.
I'm a bit grateful, to be honest. It's annoying when you take the bus and switch between two different houses with no thought or fortune given to having a stable schedule. There were days where I might slug around a coat I didn't need for days just for the situations where we might get sleet and cold for all of one day.
Did I mention how grateful I am for having a car?
My shit mood is still largely due to me not knowing what shape my cat is truly in. I'd really like for his kidneys to not die. Of course, my mom doesn't seem worried about this and is more concerned with going on another trip to a casino.
Fucking Christ. there's creditors and taxmen calling her left and right and she finds it suitable to go out gambling.
I'm not saying I am good with money. I can list off a few spots where I could have saved a considerable sum, but there are some extremes that are just too obvious.
---
When I'll be able to afford moving out, I can't be sure. Granted, if I try and get a job that involves travelling right off the bat it doesn't seem worthwhile to bother looking for a place until a few months in. Even then, I'd be unable to take the cats with me.
Some people are just better set for packing up and leaving.
It's a fantasy I've been having lately. It runs in the blood, so I tell myself. Seek relative solitude and live out your days in some amount of quiet study and labor.
Perhaps I'll take a little trip out to a city or something over winter break. That is, if Amelia's health is well and I find that other job that I need. 


current mood: tired out

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Tuesday, November 11th, 2014
7:26 pm - An Overpowering Desire to do Nothing
I've swimming to get to, books to read, resumes to turn in.
I misplaced a bunch of employment-opportunity stuff so I went about cleaning my room.
I'm pretty sure it's all at the other house.
---
Fitness-wise, I'm doing fine.
I will have to get this wanderlust out of my system. I wonder if there's jobs on the lake I could try for.
---
Back to binging on Venture Bros., I guess.

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Monday, November 10th, 2014
9:53 pm - Tilting my head and I see that everything is working well.
Yesterday I managed to get out of work early. It was slow, as in people were building arrows and slings out of office/kitchen supplies.
The drive was easy enough, but construction this year is complete bullshit.
I mean, I've seen bad construction here in the midwest, but for whatever reason it seemed appropriate to bust up all the major roads at once.
For a couple of weeks there was a freeway detour that went right in from of my house. I never had to keep rush-hour in mind when leaving my driveway.
Well, using a car in general is fairly new to me.
I feel sorry for a bagel-place near my work. They destroyed the roads West and South of it. I've seen restaurants go out of business when crews would bust up the road in front of it and then leave to work elsewhere. Hell, for one of these restaurants the road was torn up twice, as in they fixed it up over the course of the year and then did the same thing the following year. I really liked having an Uno's there.
A lot of job-hunting was put on the backburner due to school. I've got a test tomorrow and then school should ease up for a good week.
---
One of my cats, Amelia, has been resting in the litterbox.
This is actually a rather dire thing. It could signify issues with kidney-stones. I got some medicinal food for them and I'll do whatever else I can. I need to see if I can keep this from getting to what happened with Skitty.
You know, when I got my cats I was in elementary school. Proof exists in the very fact that I named Skitty after a Pokemon. Responsibility for your pets is to be expected, but a child can't really be expected to think that far into the future. I mean, if I were a country-boy, MAYBE.
I'm sitting on some money right now, so that's good. Tomorrow, hopefully I can clip the rest of Skitty's fur-clumps.
---
I went for a short run* today. When I went straight to doing pull-ups, planks, sit-ups and push-ups right after the run I got to feel truly healthy.
I had forgotten how great it felt to REALLY get some good exercise in. There's reasons I run.
One reason: It gives me a sense of control.
I can't always think straight and even with I car I was reminded at how many variables exist in life. I don't have the same house to come back to every night and a stable schedule isn't something I've gone my whole life with. When I run I can chose how far I go, how fast I run, the paths I chose... My body feels lighter after the fact and every step carries a little jump with it. I breath better and there's a pleasing taste with each inspiration.
I feel aware of my various muscles, tendons and bones. Hell, even my heart gives me just with healthier beats.
I can go to bed feeling happy.
There are responsibilities to contend with, but those can wait.


_______________
1. Just a shade over an hour.

current mood: sharp

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Friday, November 7th, 2014
10:48 pm - Wasting Time
It feels okay.
My mental acuity dissapeared yesterday. Some combined set of factors ended so I intend to find what they were and fix it.
I feel less self-aware, more inclined to talk my head off without thinking the words through, less balanced, less focused. In essense, I feel like myself.
I don't like that.
---
I hear just brashly jumping into a new relationship is a good idea to sort of fix the heart.
This is not much of a change of subject. I was dumped for good reason. A certain amount of that reason is attached to who I am.
Lately I haven't liked who I am, so the past couple weeks were great.
This level of composure I had... it isn't me. It was better.
I need to impose more discipline on myself and sleep more.
---
Granted, the desire to stay home and do nothing is strong. Loneliness has its perks.
Until then, I've got some sleep to catch up on and some books to read.


See you later, Space Cowboy.

current mood: sleepy

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Tuesday, November 4th, 2014
7:58 pm - Brain Recharging (30%)
My Nook is around the same number.
The DNR test is tomorrow and I feel confident on 2 out of the 4 tests.
In truth, I utterly forgot to study one of these tests. The material is nothing new, but it's a lot of refresher.
It goes like this: I downloaded 2 of the 4 books over the summer and read them off and on until a couple months back.
I really have a knack for just reading and re-reading and retaining a lot of data from those initial runs. It's something you get from reading so much in your younger years.
In some respects I have come to lower my expectations and realize that I won't amount to much, but at other points I realize how much more I could have attained.

I biked the past two days. I intend to go for a quick jog soon enough.
Not a run, but a jog. I don't have time for much so perhaps I'll save a real run for later into the week.
Sit-ups, remember sit-ups.

Two things I got from merely being in the library the past two days:

  1. I saw a good friend of mine and he informed me of an employment opportunity at the library. This could be a good job for not getting cut over the winter.

  2. A ran into a friend from my days in the World Language and Culture Club. A new bridge has been constructed, as I was informed by her that I wasn't the only one overwhelmed by the club. Quitting really was a reasonable option.


I'm going back to eating healthy.
I find that some artery-clogging foods tend to be good for studying, but my dedication to school has been greater this semester.

current mood: surprisingly clear-minded

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Sunday, November 2nd, 2014
7:53 pm - That went swimmingly.
Today I went for a swim and kicked total ass.
Well, at least by my standards. I was aerodynamic and timed my breaths. My joints held together well enough so that I was able to swim for some 20 minutes without feeling like I was pushing injury to well.
I'm growing old fast.

Lately I've been feeling flabby to say the least. The definition in my arms and legs has significantly declined. This belly of mine will take a while to kill, but when I feel like my legs are losing tone there is clearly something wrong.
My mind is sharp now. I shall read quite well. My confidence has restored a bit.
Can I study well?
I can read well.
I love books and when I'm done with school I will dedicate myself to more of this.
Some technical difficulties at school and my mom's kept me from really doing ANY resume work online. I tend to consider the admin not allowing me access to my flash drive or the inability of the computer at my mom's to function much at all* to be valid excuses. While at my dad's I really didn't have much of an excuse, but I did get caught up on "Person of Interest".
Tomorrow resumes shall be reaffirmed online and much reading will be done.
And more exercise.
I am on top of the world.

Now time for sit-ups.

___________
1. It would take too much time to explain.

current mood: happy

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Saturday, November 1st, 2014
8:33 pm - Procrastinating.
A few more days to this DNR test. It's hard to keep a level-head.
The nature of this sort of stress is like some sort of fungi. A vague fuzz covers the other aspects of my mind. With the weather growing cold nostalgia starts to kick in.
Think straight, goddamn it!
---
I went to another Halloween party yesterday. There were good people there, but not people I'd really care to hang out with. The theme of going out for a smoke, beer pong and weed just wasn't something that appealed to me. I tried to keep quiet and just sort of sit around.
Really though, good people. I think I'm just spent on really doing much with people for a while.
Get this DNR-test out of the way and the air-pollution test and then relax...
---
Relax...

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Thursday, October 30th, 2014
11:32 pm - Rest Helps
When attending a conference I turned in a large number of resumes. Many opportunities in hazmat and remediation projects could be found.
One man at a company dedicated to recycling and repurposing of materials suggested I join the company he was in. I also was referred to an internship in Germantown for soil testing.
I just have the desire to travel and get paid hand-over-fist. This does not happen with soil testing, but it does happen when you're cleaning up old meth labs.
A friend later that day did recommend working in the tar sands.
It seems appealing, but money and corruption walk in hand-in-hand.
---
At that Halloween party I learned that I was not the only deviant present. I did mention how I deleted my fetlife account. It's for the best, really. That site made me a bit sick.
I feel lonely to be all honest. I just need more distractions.

current mood: tired

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